Self doubt is not normally a part of my make up anymore so when some crept in over the weekend I knew I was being nudged away from my true expression.
I have committed to writing a book and was researching the competition when all these thoughts like:
- Who would want to read what I have to say?
- What do you know?
- Who are you to be writing a book?
- No one will want to buy it
- It’s already been said by others it’s nothing new
- Its too simple
- You don’t know enough
and so on, crept into my mind
For a while I was paralysed by the doubt that I could make a book or what that I had to say was relevant or interesting enough to publish yet alone ask people to pay for.
Others had gone before me and was I simply rehashing what they had said, it was nothing new or exciting.
I stopped and felt what was going on in my body. My mind was whirring and my breath had become shallow and irregular. I was actually breathing through my mouth which I never do. I felt tight across my chest, neck and throat and sick in my stomach.
The signs were all there. I was having a mild anxious moment.
I closed my eyes and concentrated on how my body felt and there was a deepness to the sensation, an old familiar pattern that I was not good enough.
Wow that felt nasty!
As I sat breathing gently with my eyes closed, under that not good enough message was another sensation, one that made my knees and ankles ache rooting me to the spot so I couldn’t move forward. What was that? What was going on in my body?
Why wasn’t I feeling able to write my book that I had began with so much conviction and joy? Why was I doubting myself? What I saw was that I was comparing myself to other writers and that I was lacking confidence in my abilities and in my intellectual prowess. Who was I to be writing a book?
Then from deep within the answer came.
- Who are you to not write this book?
- Who are you to hold back what it is people want to know and ask you everyday at work?
- Why do you presume just because you know your subject so well that everyone else does to?
- You are an expert in your field and no one expresses the way you do.
- Who are you not to share that expression with the world?
- This is not about you it is about sharing what you know so others can have that too.
So self-doubt is not part of my psyche anymore and when it crept in I could see from connecting to myself and allowing myself to feel that I was being nudged away from my true expression.
I’m sure we have all had experiences when we have a strong urge or impulse to try something new, express, write or allow more of our true nature to be seen and then hold it back for fear of rejection or criticism or that we may get hurt.
But what if what we have to bring is exactly what the World needs or even what just one person needs? What right do we have to hold that back because we are feeling a little wobbly about the possible responses we may receive.
We judge greatness by standards that have been set by society and associate it with intelligence, fame, prestige and influence. When greatness is simply about you being all you are and bringing that out for all to see in whatever expression feels true to you.
So for me that means back to writing and getting my book out there knowing that it will be awesome just as it is because I wrote it.